At Everyone is Gay, Kristin (right) and Dannielle (left) are girls who like girls who give advice to those who are confused about sexuality, gender-identity, dating, falling in love, or even dressing up like Super Woman. Here on CherryGRRL, these two adorable and brilliant ladies are sharing some of that wonderfully witty advice with our readers, monthly, via this column: The Everyone is Gay Advice Corner with Kristin + Dannielle.
Q: How do I love without the expectation of forever?
- Question by anonymous
You love unconditionally and hope for the best. That’s what we all have to do. When it comes down to it, every love we have is uncertain. Anything can happen at any moment and living with the expectation of forever is a little silly, if you ask me.
We have to live for now, and we have to love for now. I’m a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. I think we love more than once and in many different ways. I think love is so precious. I think we should never limit the amount with which we love another human.
I understand all those fears that come along with loving someone, I get that…but, you guys, no amount of ‘knowing’ how long you’ll be with someone will make any of those feelings less scary or less feelingy.
When you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with “what ifs” and “what abouts” stop and take a deep breath. Look over at the person you’re whatiffing and remember why you’re with them RIGHT NOW. Who cares about two days from now, love that human now. If it’s supposed to last forever, it will. You will both work hard and compromise and communicate and it will work.
The only way to love without the expectation of forever is to know that we never, ever know what our futures will hold. This is a scary, sometimes completely overwhelming thought – but it is the truth. We can plan everything down to the most minute detail; we can get a steady job, have a savings account, date people who we know will help with the laundry and the yard work for that day we have a yard… and the reality is that our plan is never completely ours to execute.
Some of us view that reality in the context of there being a higher power outside of ourselves who has a plan for us. Some of us view that reality by accepting that we cannot control all aspects of life, and that “what will be will be.” Some of us get into the fetal position and cry. All of those responses make sense to me — this shit is scary!
Regardless of how you view the uncertainty of life, though, the most positive approach to loving someone under these circumstances is to appreciate each and every moment for the moment itself. Now – you aren’t the f*cking Dalai Lama, so you aren’t going to be able to do that all the time. I am going to echo Dannielle a bit and say that in those moments when your brain is like HEY ANONYMOUS YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, you should look back at your brain and say, “Listen brain, I know that. I know that and it scares me, but I cannot control it and right now, in this moment, I am happy.”
Q: How do I divide my time between my gf and my bff so that I keep both!????????
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Make sure they both know your intentions. The WORST THING YOU CAN DO is get mad after you haven’t explained yourself (i’ve totally done this). It’s like, you spend all this time with your booboohoneykissmouth and then one day you’re like ‘hey i need to cancel our date to hang out with LILAC’ and booboohoneykisskiss is like ‘wait… we’ve had this date planned can’t you hang out another time’ and you’re like ‘I NEVER SEE LILAC BC I’M ALWAYS WITH YOU I’M GOING BYE’ … Then you’re in a huge fight and nothing is resolved and you feel awful all the time. You guys, i’ve literally experienced this 100 times.
SO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR REAL IS, tell your booboohoneykisskiss how important your bff is to you. Literally just say, “Hey, LILAC is super important to me and if I don’t spend enough time with her I start to go a little cray cray, so I’m probably gonna be hanging out with her alot” and if booboo is like, “is it because you don’t like spending time with me” SIMPLY EXPLAIN that it has nothing to do with her and your bff time is totally separate. I mean, let’s be real, you probably talk about how amazing booboo is the whole time anyway, AMIRIGHT?!
Do the same thing with LILAC, explain that you’re REALLY INTO BOOBOOHONEYKISSKISS and you’re sorry if you get sidetracked. Tell her it’s totally okay to text you and say ‘HI I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN ONE WEEK AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE COME OVER AND WATCH MEAN GIRLS.’ Ya know? Give her that, let her reel you back in when you’ve started to be a bad friend. If you’re clear with your intentions, everyone will feel a lot better and you’ll be able to manage both sides1..i mean !
First of all, I formally reject the nickname booboohoneykisskiss.
Second of all, I think USUALLY what happens in this situation is that BFF gets less time than usual because you are busy having dreamy-eyes and cupid wings and things. That is normal to a point, and I always give my BFFs a grace period of about 4 – 6 months of googly eyes before I take it personally that they aren’t paying as much attention to me.
HOWEVER I AM VERY UNDERSTANDING. So. Whether you are in regular-relationship-ville or googly-eyes-town, do these three things to keep the peace:
1. Have a night every week – TUESDAY, for example – where you go out with just your BFF. It is so important for us to have solo time with our besties, and anybooboohoney good partner will understand the need for that time. Also have a night every week – THURSDAY, for example – that is always date night with your boo.
2. Include BFF in things that also include your boo (or vice versa). This doesn’t mean bring BFF along for date night without any forewarning. It means that a few times a month, at least, you should go to parties or gatherings with BOTH humans and/or make a movie & popcorn night with them if you don’t go to parties… you know?
3. When you hang with BFF, don’t only talk about all the love-town moments you have recently had with (UGH FINE) BOOBOOHONEYKISSKISS. Talk about your relationship, absolutely, but ask BFF how they are, giggle about memories, talk about other things going on in both your lives, etc.
In my opinion, this is a fail-proof plan of making sure that both parties get enough time with you and don’t feel overlooked. Just keep it consistent!