Recap: Thintervention with Jackie Warner, Episode 7

The clients do a pool workout, in which they swim 18 laps. Then, Jackie assigns rooms to them: the boys room together; Mandy and Shay share a room; and Nikki and Jeana are paired up, much to Nikki’s explicit chagrin. Really, who’d want to room with Jeana? How is Nikki supposed to have skype parties in the presence of such a Debbie Downer? Jeana’s tears after Nikki’s comments only build upon this characterization of her. Nikki then offers a transparently-b.s. apology to Jeana, and, in an aside to the camera, tells us that she’s not terribly put off rooming with Jeana, because she finds “anything retarded absolutely adorable.”

Minor Lolgasm.

Stacy is awarded her own room because, Jackie attests, she is “on fire” – and not just in a vaginal itch kind of way.

Joe and Bryan hit the gym for an extra workout with CraigBoy and Jackie. CraigBoy chides Joe for being such a misogynistic asshat, and Joe’s only response is “well, [what I said] didn’t offend me.”

Ahhhhh!!!! My Cherries, is it really difficult to understand how the hetero-male species is lacking and utterly deficient of intelligence and social decorum?

Stop thinking with your little head, Joe!

(Here, Stacy’s comment that Joe probably has “a package of a toddler” is most apt.)

Joe begrudgingly shows up at Jackie’s room to apologize. I hate apologies – they’re effin’ b.s. You can’t change the past, but you can affect the future – which is what Jackie makes sure he promises to do upon accepting his apology.

That night, Bryan reads the Bible while Joe heads to the bar to meet up with a few other clients.

The next day, Jackie drives Bryan to the site of the next workout in her hawt Beamer. Bryan asks her a medley of questions about fitness and about how to continue his success outside of the program. He specifically asks her a question about how to reintroduce “regular” (American, artery-clogging, non-purple-liquid) foods into his diet, because he’s now become paranoid about every ounce of food he ingests, much like a person with an eating disorder does, to be frank. This is a very important question and one that I would have liked to have heard a response to, but Jackie doesn’t offer one. Instead, her answer is one of delay; she promises to talk about it “later” with him.

EPIC DISAPPOINTMENT!

They arrive to a beach and hit some rowing machines. A seksi young man shows them how to, um, stroke, properly.

Bryan gets a homo-boner.

Then the clients are split into teams for a crew race. Bryan, Joe, Nikki, and Jackie are on one team, while Jeana, Mandy, Shay, Stacy, and CraigBoy are on the other. Argh! It’s so effin’ obvious that the teams were divided this way to ensure the lady-team a victory. Why? Because the winners get a day at the spa, while the “losers” get a workout with Jackie and CraigBoy. Is it any surprise that the “losers” are Herr Warner’s favorites?

After the race, they all go out to dinner. Jackie orders a shitload of greasy appitizers, like sliders and coconut shrimp (a Jeana especial!).

When the apps arrive and are spread before them like manna from Hamburger Heaven, the clients go cray-cray. Bryan, miming Chris Farley’s GAP girl to perfection (“LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M STARVING!’), berates Jackie, telling her that having these foods in front of him is like giving a drug-addict a coke-shower. Stacy, too, turns Farley when she chimes in with “You gotta be batshit crazy to mess with me when I’m hungry!”

Major Lolgasm!

Jackie is confused and surprised by their angry reactions: “I truly thought you were in another place,” she responds.

Then, out of the blue, Nikki offers a serious, thoughtful word of advice: take responsibility for your actions. She tells her fellow Chubbies to recognize their emotional responses to the greasy truck before them, and then move on. They cannot, she intones, blame Jackie for their emotional responses.

WTF?! The voice of reason, at this last supper, is Nikki?

Armagaydon is upon us!
(continued on next page)

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