The theme song to this show is starting to give me an adverse physical reaction. You know how some people smell pickles and are transported to getting a tray of them dumped on their head in middle school? Pretty soon hearing, “You’ll find a way to make my crazy hazy…” will make me curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor, mumbling nonsense and having shower sex flashbacks. Until then, we forge on.
We’re still at Dinah, as Cori and Kacy attempt to navigate the sea of scantily clad lesbians like baby giraffes taking their first tentative steps in the wild.
Cori: Where men did not exist. Neither did clothes.
But it seems there is nipple tape aplenty in this alternate land where the vodka flows. These scenes make me feel really old, because not only am I thinking exactly what Kacy and Cori are, I’m elaborating with thoughts like “I wonder if that pool gets chlorinated often enough,” and “Would that tape hurt when they ripped it off?”
After a fan asks them how the baby is doing (ouch), Kacy and Cori make the best decision you can make in a situation like this – they decide to drink their way through it.
Meanwhile, Amanda is still passing around the haterade shots on Kiyomi, telling Lauren to be careful because Kiyomi is living with her girlfriend in New York. Wasn’t Amanda all psyched for Lauren to “wipe the dust off her vag”? These two aren’t fooling anyone, but the romantic comedy set up is kind of amusing.
Unfortunately, much of this episode features the Romi/Whitney/Sara/Everyone fight, and it’s just rehashing for the most part. Romi explains to Kacy and Cori how Lauren tried to win a date with Kelsey – which might be good for them to know, but it’s bad television because we saw that already.
Lauren, Whitney, and Sara start joking about having a giant orgy, which is not really a joke so much as a “floating the idea out there” exchange.
Can I just say how glad I am that my mom doesn’t know this show exists? Continuing in their delicate roles as the lesbian version of Switzerland, Kacy and Cori leave Romi and Kelsey to go catch up with Whitney and company.
Next up is Hunter Valentine, much to the delight of Lauren’s “erection” according to Whitney. Just when I was feeling short on penis metaphors, Whitney came to my rescue, re: Lauren watching Kiyomi perform:
“I could practically see Lauren’s full-on erection for Kiyomi, just waving in the wind. By the end of the performance, she like, blew her load on herself.”
I feel a little schizo trying to recap this episode, because plot-wise, it’s like trying to document the goings of a six-year-old who’s just had 3 capri suns. Kacy and Cori go hang out with Kelsey and Romi, wherein a drunken Cori playfully humps Kelsey. Kiyomi and Lauren slink off to go make out on a patch of grass. Hunter Valentine knocks back a few drinks, where Kiyomi admits she wants to avoid Lauren so she doesn’t develop further feelings for her. See what I mean?
At the white party, we get more of the fascinating point/counterpoint of “Romi is a bitch/No she is not.” Not to be all mature, but they really do spend a lot of energy thinking about each other. If this were middle school, I’d assume they like each other, but since it’s Showtime, I’m assuming it’s more recycled contrived drama. Eventually, Kelsey and Romi retreat to the sanctity of their hotel room. I really can’t blame them for that, being the only sober people in the room is totally awesome, said no one ever.
Kiyomi tells the camera that she’s going to call out Amanda for trying to landmine her thing with Lauren, in order to “clear the air.” I was seriously waiting for the moment where Amanda and Kiyomi confronted each other, and unfortunately, it was totally lame. They basically smirk their way through calling each other names, with all the hipster enthusiasm they can muster. I sat through 2 episodes of them hating on each other for this? Again, I’m not advocating violence, but I think they could have done better than calling each other “f**ker” and “dick.”
Amanda thinks it’s a bad idea for Kiyomi to get on her bad side, as Lauren’s resident BFF, but that doesn’t really hinder things for Kiyomi. Soon after, she and Lauren leave the white party and spend the night getting better acquainted – aka getting it on. This scene was a lot better on mute, as I didn’t have to hear Kiyomi’s lame closing technique.
Out on the links, Cori, Kacy, Kelsey and Romi are celebrating the true spirit of Dinah with a round of golf. All you really need to know is Romi is an atrociously bad golfer, and that they hope to get married and have kids “soon.” Let’s hope their “soon” is the same “soon” women use to measure how much longer it will take them to be ready to go out somewhere. Otherwise, those kids are going to be egomaniacs in training, probably carried around in some moccasin sling.
Validating the fantasies of males everywhere who believe lesbians are all lesbosexy with each other, Lauren joins Sara and Whitney as they start making out on their bed.
I love all my best friends, but I really can’t imagine this going down in my hotel room. I’m starting to think I’m too lame to actually be a lesbian. Either way, Kiyomi walks in on the party and is none too pleased to see the familiarity and awkwardly leaves after making up an excuse about needing to get back to the band.
After Dinah wraps up, the Real L Word crew heads back to Los Angeles for a Showtime photo shoot. Kiyomi’s (ex)girlfriend Ali is going to be there, which makes things kind of awkward since Kiyomi spent Dinah Shore wearing Lauren around her neck. And these scenes, if you have a heart, really make it hard to like Kiyomi. Every single person in the room knows not only has she already mentally moved on from Ali, they know she was sleeping with Lauren as much as Dinah permitted, and Ali looks like a clingy fool.
Not cool and I can’t think of worse karma if I tried. The whole photoshoot quickly becomes a hot mess, as the Romi/Whitney tension causes Romi to break down in tears, which tugs at Sara’s heart and makes her reconsider the whole mess they’ve disintegrated into. Watching someone else cry is always my breaking point, too, so I admit I felt some sympathy for Romi in this scene. Crazy people need love too.
After Kiyomi mercifully breaks up with Ali for good, we’re off to an outdoor café where Sara and Romi try and air out their differences in the name of burying the hatchet once and for all.
They both suck at it, and you can tell right off the bat, because neither seems all that interested in conceding any fault in the situation. Sara tells Romi she wasn’t there for her, and Romi counters by reminding Sara most of her time was spent under someone who wasn’t Whitney. They trade insults for a few more minutes before Sara storms off, telling the camera:
“Because I had so much invested into that relationship with Romi, I really loved her, you know. I always thought there would be a time where we could put everything aside and be friends. So actually sitting with her was really like, eye opening. There really is no turning back, and we will never be friends again.”
This probably should make me sad or some such thing, but some friendships are more trouble than they’re worth, and neither of them seemed all that jazzed about resurrecting it. Besides, if they did, that would kill about 75% of the scripted drama on this show. You know the Showtime/Magical Elves people were probably acting like the audience on Jerry Springer in this scene. “Don’t let her say that about you, girl! She crazy!”
The episode ends with Kiyomi and Lauren saying goodbye as Kiyomi heads back to New York to “focus on me for a minute.” Which is a drastic change from her behavior and focus this far.
Oh wait, no it’s not. They do seem to genuinely like each other, so I doubt it’s the last we’ve seen of Kiyomi and Lauren. Hopefully they can improve upon Kiyomi’s record of high school relationships. And we’re off.