Recap: The Real L Word, Season 3, Episode 1 – Apples and Oranges

I’m not sure what I’ve been looking forward to less this week – cleaning my bathroom, or the return of the Real L Word, but given the fact that my toilet is currently sparking clean and this recap is just beginning, I think we know which one won in the end. Nevertheless, I’m contractually obligated as a lesbian lover of TV to continue watching this tripe until Showtime sees fit to release me from the bonds of servitude by cancelling this mofo. So here we go.

We kick off with palm trees and street signs to remind us that we’re in LA, where Romi and Whitney drive home separately, both blathering on about how they’re in love. The editing is attempting to make us think they’re in love with each other, but no one except Showtime execs would fall for that, so it’s no surprise when we find out Whitney is in love (and still) with Sara. For the slow learners and the guys watching, they drive the point home by immediately having trademark TRLW shower sex.

Meanwhile, Romi goes home to her boyfriend, Jay. And by “goes home to” I really mean “starts having sex with the minute her foot is in the front door.” We are two minutes, thirty-two seconds into this season and we’ve already had two sex scenes. And I’m already searching for an oven to shove my head into.

I realize that Romi having a boyfriend is supposed to be one of the big points of conflict this season, but a) I’m pre-emptively bored because I don’t care about hetero drama unless it’s on True Blood, b) not surprised, considering Romi’s sexuality is scientifically classified as “fame-whoring douche canoe,” and c) aggravated I’m going to have to watch this crap on a show that is supposed to be about lesbians.

Next we meet the gals of Hunter Valentine, an all girl punk rock band based in New York. We meet Kiyomi, the front woman; Laura, the drummer; Vero, the bass player; and Somer, the new keyboardist. They all wear black and lots of eyeliner and talk about sets and material and other things I don’t care about. I’m going to come right out and say it – having a band on a show like this is a huge mistake. At least it’s a mistake if you plan on using the band’s practices and live shows for 30% of your footage. HV is not my kind of music, and I was bored senseless watching them tune songs, carry equipment, and plug wires into amps. The HV segments might become my official bathroom breaks from now on.

One of the band members, Kiyomi, seems to be a character on the show in her own right, as we get glimpses into her oh-so-challenging relationship with her “girlfriend” Ali. I guess Whitney settling down left an opening for the emotional juvenile role, which Kiyomi seems to have landed. I’m really looking forward to finding creative ways week after week to describe her self-delusion and a-hole behavior. No, not really.

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