Before I begin my evisceration of this incredibly offensive, stupid, sexist, and misogynistic episode wrapped in a Katy Perry turd sandwich, I’d like to offer my apologies to Cherry Grrl’s esteemed Editor-in-Chief, Laura. See, I was convinced this episode might offer a nugget of substance around Santana’s storyline, and I told her to watch it. I am now responsible for wasting an hour of her life, and probably making her want to punch things, drink, and/or stab herself in the eyeballs. Sorry, Laura. That said, I actually do recommend watching the episode, that way when it’s time to grab our pitchforks and mobilize upon Fox Studios, we’ll have an impressive legion at our disposal.
This is not a traditional recap, as I’d rather get a pap smear in Grand Central Station than go scene by scene this week. Instead, I will break this episode into its three logical parts: Things I Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass About, Things That I Want to Kill With Fire, and Things That Didn’t Make Me Want to Bang My Head Against a Wall.
Things That I Want to Kill With Fire
1) The episode title, and titular musical number. You know what song is perfect to symbolize the growth and acceptance of a lesbian character struggling with her sexuality? “I Kissed a Girl,” by Katy Perry. You know, that song about wacky faux bisexuals snogging girls for funsies, while hoping their boyfriends don’t have a problem with it. In case you’re currently residing in a snow cave in Antarctica, some of the lyrics include:
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don’t mean I’m in love tonight
Mmm, empowerment. It feels so wrong when I kiss girls, too. Oh wait, no it doesn’t, because I’m not some drunken asshat experimenting in a hipster bar. Like Santana, I’m actually a lesbian. Kissing girls isn’t wrong, and it’s not done just so you can say you tried it because being a lesbian is not like snowboarding or ordering an anchovy pizza.
Look, I have no problem at all with Katy Perry; her songs make excellent soundtracks for debauchery, drinking games, and vacuuming. And girls with boyfriends can kiss all the cherry-lipped girls they want, for whatever dumbass reason they choose. This is America. My problem is that this is the song Glee chose to have Santana perform to affirm her comfort with her own gayness. It comes directly after her first encounter with a gay bully, and directly before she tells New Directions that her parents were okay with her coming out.
Choosing “I Kissed A Girl” as the musical number for this storyline is like choosing 50 Cent’s “Baby By Me” as a ballad for family values. I’d also like to point out that there is not one single girl kissing a girl in this entire episode, unless you count one pathetic background cheek kiss. And I don’t. The scene did, however, have plenty of shots of the boys of glee panting and drooling with visions of threesomes and naughty girl kisses.
2) Dudley Do Finn. Somehow, Glee managed to make this episode not about Santana’s coming out struggle, but about Finn the Bravehearted rescuing her again and again – from missing glee sectionals, from her own self-loathing, and by convincing her she’s special and worthy.
The first scene of the episode is Santana in Principal Figgins’ office, about to be suspended for slapping Finn across the mouth. Mr. Schue incorrectly says that Santana slapped Finn unprovoked, because I’d say having someone tell half the school you’re gay when you’re closeted could be a reason for getting decked. Of course no one mentions this to Figgins, not even Santana herself, but luckily Finn saves her by lying and saying she didn’t really slap him. Did he lie because he felt bad about what he did and thought this was his chance to make up for it? Of course not, he lied because he feels bad about how messed up and mean she is because of her self-loathing.
Later, when Finn proposes a week of songs “by ladies and for ladies,” he gives a patronizing speech about how they’re all worried about Santana and will therefore force her to sing lesbian songs and deal with her sexuality so she doesn’t kill herself. She has no choice but to sit there as they take turns basically patting her head via song.
When Blaine and Kurt offer their support by singing Pink’s “Perfect,” Santana dismisses them with a mean (though amusing) joke about their ridiculous clothing. Finn immediately follows up their performance with his own, singing Santana a crappy, slowed down rendition of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” by Cyndi Lauper. By the end, Santana is moved to tears, hugs him in gratitude, and thanks him. This is apparently the support she’s needed all along, because suddenly she’s happy and secure in her lezzitude. Finn, who lost it when Kurt had a crush on him, is now the Gay Whisperer.
What in the hell, Glee? So, let’s see…Finn, the straight guy who publicly outed Santana, causing a stupid political scandal which then outed her to the entire state, the guy who just last week told her what a terrible person she is gets a warm, BFF-type hug and a big thanks? Hilariously, Blaine and Kurt, the two guys in the school who might actually understand her gay struggles get rudely brushed off. Watching Finn become a hero because of what he did to Santana made me want to choke him with his shiny golden halo. (continued on next page)