I’ve spent enough time talking about all the things I dislike about The Real L Word; it’s only fair I contribute some alternatives that don’t require drinking games to watch.
The fantastic thing about lesbians is we know drama like none other – from break-ups to haircuts to complicated ex-relationships – we’re practically begging to be followed around with cameras and chronicled. So why in the hell did Ilene Chaiken and company pick the only six lesbians in Los Angeles who don’t know each other? That removes 80% of the drama, fools!
I’m honestly convinced any of these ideas would immediately de-throne Jersey Shore as the reality show equivalent of Oprah.
1. The Real World: Lesbian Exes
This is the true story of seven lesbians, picked to live in a villa in West Hollywood. Can you imagine all the drunken confrontations after a night out at The Abbey? The confessional would have a longer line than the bathroom, and we’d be guaranteed at least one or two all out brawls.
Remember how just when the arguments would get really good on The Real World, someone would inevitably walk away? This would never happen. It’s a reality show dream come true.
2. Roll Call
There are few things gayer than roller derby – so how fun would it be to have a reality show about a girl who gets her shot to make it as a derby girl? The show would follow her as she goes from tryouts to a team, and all of the brutal fun once she’s in. Who doesn’t love an underdog? Especially a lesbian underdog surrounded by a bunch of lesbians on skates.
I may have already spent an ungodly amount of time thinking of my own roller derby name, so I imagine others have too. The Whip It movie somehow magically de-lesbianed the sport, it’s time to rectify that.
3. What Not to Wear: Lesbian Edition
I was inspired for this one while I was out at a club recently. While everyone is entitled to their own fashion sense, there are certain things that are never acceptable to wear out, not even if you’re Portia De Rossi. Number one being any incarnation of Crocs footwear. Yes, this includes Mary Jane versions, tie-dyed versions, and any version that includes a faux suede insole. Other things on the list: leather cuffs, thumb rings, studded belts, wrinkled cargo shorts, etc. etc.
Nominated by their friends, selected participants will get to spend an insane amount of money on a wardrobe of their choosing, minus the offending articles. With this show we not only help society at large, but we also further the fashion cause of our own people. It’s practically a public service.
4. True Life: I’m a Cop
Amazingly, I know at least six lesbian cops, which is completely fascinating (do they recruit somewhere?). Also hot. Back in the day, I used to watch Cops with my stepfather for hours on end. The perpetrators were endlessly interesting, but the police officers were total dullsville. Imagine the craziness of Cops, but with hot lesbian police officers instead of straight white guys. Yes, please.
5. Portia & Ellen
This would never happen, because Portia and Ellen are far too smart and private to participate – but is anyone else insanely curious about their home life? They’re the perfect couple, and the de facto First Lesbians of America, but damn them for being so clandestine about their lives. I am consumed with questions about them. Do they use real butter, or the fake stuff? What time do they wake up on Saturdays? What’s on their DVD shelf? Do their socks get dirty when they walk around the house in them, or do they glide a few inches above the ground as I suspect?
I would actually pay to see this one. They could sit around reading the newspaper and drinking coffee and I’d be completely enthralled.
Oh my god, Ellen burned her toast! I just burned mine this morning!