Eternity Philops

A Real Grrl is a lesbian “grrl next door” who is doing something unique, interesting, creative, and – most importantly – something that they are proud of and want to share with others. Each week Cherry Grrl features a special reader… next week if could be you! Write to info@cherrygrrl.com to learn how.

(Editor’s Note: The following Real Grrls editorial was written entirely by the author cited and does not represent the opinions or beliefs of Cherry Grrl. All information and subjects discussed are the personal views of the individual writer, in her own words.)

Eternity Philops

Age: 25, in mortal years.

Hometown: Charlotte, North Carolina.

Get Real with us.

About Me #1. I have been described as a “Renaissance Woman.” I am a creative writer of poetry and short stories, as well as a small independent publisher. In the fall of 2007 I began working on my publishing company, Black Tygre Publications (www.Black-Tygre.com). It was actually a lot easier to put together than I thought, but then again right now I’m my only client! That’s on purpose, though; I figure I need to get the publishing process down pat before taking on the work of others. So in a way I’m very much my own guinea pig!

In April 2008 I published my first book, Visions of a Cryptic Mystery: Volume One, a literary assemblage of poetry and short stories encompassing works expressing love, life, and loss from the black lesbian experience. The works in the book span from adolescence onward, so it was literally years in the making. But it has been completely worth it, as I’ve learned so much from the experience of self-publishing. I’m a very hands-on person, and my book reflects it; everything from cover and page design to barcodes and ISBN I did myself, effectively making this book the closest thing I have to offspring! It is the first of what will be a three volume collection. My goal as a writer is to add my perspective to the growing genre of black lesbian fiction, and to establish my original writing style into my own well-known oeuvre.

In addition to writing, I have a number of online shops displaying my own original designs that reflect my beliefs and my oddball personality. The first is “Defined By Faith” – www.Defined-By-Faith.com – a shop with items for the gay and spiritual. This store was born of my belief that being gay is no obstacle to being a follower of the Eternal, that LGBT individuals are NOT abominations of God. I didn’t always know this, and growing up gay in a Christian environment was difficult; the depression I experienced almost took my life. But I know now that God loves me and my sexuality, for it is a blessing OF love to be able TO love, and that’s what “Defined By Faith” is about.

My other shop is on the completely opposite end of the spectrum, “Stupid Random Stuff” (www.Buy-This-Stuff.com). Yep, it’s just like it sounds; it’s full of stupid random stuff. I have a very weird and quirky sense of humor, and this shop reflects that.

Lastly, I dabble in photography as a hobby of pleasure. I say hobby because I don’t know JACK about any of the rules or techniques of photography. I’ve never had a class or a formal lesson; I just point and shoot. Evidently I have a knack for it though, because my photos are, if I may say so, pretty hot. Thus, I call that portion of me “The Fledgeling Photographer.” And of course I have a shop for that too: www.Fledgeling-Foto.com.

With all this going on you’d think I wouldn’t need a day job, but a girl, even a Renaissance Woman, needs a steady paycheck.

About Me #2 – Spiritual Story. Like many, I grew up in a Christian household. We went to church every Sunday, said prayer before bed, and went to Vacation Bible School during the summer. I had the typical Christian childhood. Then one year puberty hit, and I started noticing girls rather than boys. They made me a little more nervous than they used to, and they seemed more shapely and alluring. In time I’d learn I was gay.
But what’s a gay girl to do when she’s been brought up to believe that homosexuality is wrong? After all, I just kinda grew into it. There was no traumatization or rape, no bad influence from some pedophile adult. I just was what I was, and all of a sudden Jesus hated me for it.

So like many, I spent numerous years struggling. I tried to ignore my attraction, which is a lot like trying to hold your breath for the rest of your life. Then I attempted to not be a Christian, what with the two being incongruous. But I knew Jesus long before I knew what “gay” even was; if ignoring my sexuality was impossible, so was turning my back on my spirituality. And so the years of battling went on. I loved God, but was told that God didn’t love me as I was. The spiritual struggle brought on many bouts of depression and serious suicide attempts. I sought help in prayer, in the bible, in time even turning to two separate ex-gay ministries. But I still could not find the answers – the peace – I sought.

Then one day, during Sunday worship service, my deliverance came. I remember sitting alone on the pew, service drudging along with me wishing I were dead, or better, had never been born. I thought about how I had cried to God countless times to change me, and nothing had. I didn’t know what to do; if God needed to fix me, why was I the same? If deliverance from my attraction could come, where was it? And it was at that moment that deliverance did indeed come. As I sat there, feeling alone and hopelessly abandoned, there was a sudden booming revelation in the deepest part of my soul, and an epiphany was unveiled:

THE ONLY THING I NEEDED TO BE DELIVERED FROM WAS BELIEVING GOD HATED ME.

That single line of thought was so abrupt, so forceful and firm, I knew that my own mind wasn’t responsible. It was as though, beneath the crud and filth I’d been taught to believe about myself, someone had revealed a diamond that was just beginning to shine. This spiritual revelation was the beginning of my walk toward what would become true deliverance. The Eternal Trinity was with me on that pew that day; I was shown that, yes, my cries had been heard after all.

Although that single moment sparked a new understanding for me, the personal evolution from self-hatred to self-love didn’t happen overnight. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of tears and pain, a lot of rejection and fear, but I’m both confident and happy to say I have finally gained my peace, spiritually and sexually. I know now that God loves me and my sexuality, for it is a blessing OF love to be able TO love. Despite the nay-sayers in the world, I know by redeeming faith that I am accepted in God’s fold, for through it all God was with me, taking me one more step whenever I felt I had gone as far as I could, keeping alive a glimmer of hope in spite of the darkness surrounding me. Had I truly been as alone as I felt, I would never have been able to come through the shadows to embrace the light of freedom.

This new tranquility and strength is what I wish to both express to the world and share with my kindreds. There are many who are struggling between their sexuality and spirituality, believing that God won’t receive them as they are, and are thus turning to lesser solutions. Oh, but how the Eternal yearns for us all! Those who earnestly seek God will find, and will be lovingly welcomed. It may not seem so, but even when we feel our loneliest, we are not forgotten. For as I weathered the storm, it became evident that God had protective covering over me. No matter how low in the valley I stepped, God’s grace kept me from stumbling into dangerous environments and situations. I never turned to drugs or alcohol as a resolve, or lost myself in carnality and sex. I share this not to brag, as I am but an imperfect woman of clay, but to bear witness that it is indeed our lifestyles, and not our orientations, that we have both the power and the responsibility to control, and when necessary, to change.

Through my Journey it has become my belief that sexuality is a non-factor in being a fervent follower of faith. Being gay, straight, bi, or asexual doesn’t matter to our Creator, for love is a blessing. What does matter is how we MANAGE our sexuality. Gay or straight, we must walk in obedience to the convictions God has placed within us. Sexual immorality isn’t about your sexual partner, but about your sexual behavior. As Seekers of Righteousness, we must ALL handle ourselves with honor and restraint, for this is what is pleasing to our Lord, not simply the pairing of man with woman.

Thus was born my belief that orientation is not a roadblock to righteousness. Many will agree; many more will not. But the fact is that this is a truth for masses of people, people who have struggled and won their freedom from self-hatred and fear of God’s hatred. This page is for them, for you. Announce to the world your truth, that you walk with the Eternal and live by holy dictates, that being gay doesn’t make you immoral. But above all, tell the world that you’re proud of your spirituality and your sexuality, and that you’re a whole person because of it.